nothing is as bad as it seems

i love memes, really i do. while digging through my fb page i found this one from november 2010. my how things change. i posted the one from 2010 then redid it at the bottom. enjoy

1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? some cake
2.Where was your profile picture taken? the botanical gardens in albuquerque

3.Can you play Guitar Hero? not really, but i occasionally rock the mic on rock band

4.Name someone who made you laugh today? the odd ducks on ravelry
5.How late did you stay up last night and why? 11, went to bed at 10ish and was asleep by 11, and i was told that i shouldn't talk about those things in public.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you?ummmmm, i'm happy where i am, but will be moving in 3 years at the latest.

7. Name one thing you love about your body. i have perfectly aligned teeth, naturally.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? hmmm tara, she's only 6 blocks i think

9. Do you believe exes can be friends? i had a wise person once tell me that it isn't possible because if one of the pair ever hoped for more, then friends then friends would never be enough. it's true

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper? love the ones from dublin.

11. If you could do any job in the world what would it be? actor, or own my own coffee/bakery shop

12. Who took your profile picture? I did

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? the q ball

14. Was yesterday better than today? no, weekends are rough at our house for some reason.

15. Can you live a day without TV? yes, i have a dvr

16. Are you upset about anything? a few things, but this to shall pass

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? yes, they are worth the lessons we learn both good and bad.

18. Are you a bad influence? depends who you ask.

19. Night out or night in? a night out with a night in.
20. What items could you not go without during the day? sippy cups and disposable diapers.

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? sweet nettie

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? sorry, chewing butts, how's ur week?.

23. How do you feel about your life? i love it, i am waiting to see what all is in store for the future, but i love it.

24. Do you hate anyone? yes, yes i do

25. Do you like your wedding ring or do you secretly wish it was different? love it, waiting to get it resized so i can wear it again.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? without a doubt.

27. Would you ever get some plastic surgery? thinking about it maybe getting the girls back to where they were before kids

28. What song is stuck in your head? love the way you lie

29. Brazilian wax? no thanks not that into pain.

30. Have you ever skinny dipped? several times and i've even chunky dunked.

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? mail swap packages

32.Do you think too much or too little? too much.

33. Do you smile a lot? i try to, it makes people wonder

now for the new version

1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? coffee
2.Where was your profile picture taken? at a wedding reception in Happy, TX

3.Can you play Guitar Hero? not really, but i occasionally rock the mic on rock band

4.Name someone who made you laugh today? my kids
5.How late did you stay up last night and why? midnight, ummm still not talking about it in public, and i was looking up my next tattoo.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you?in a heartbeat. i would love a house, with enough room to stretch out some and a fenced yard.
7. Name one thing you love about your body. i have perfectly aligned teeth, naturally.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? hard to say, not sure mile distances of my friends, but most of them are very far away
9. Do you believe exes can be friends? i had a wise person once tell me that it isn't possible because if one of the pair ever hoped for more than friends, then friends would never be enough. it's true. i should add that i was told this in high school

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper? love the ones from dublin.

11. If you could do any job in the world what would it be? actor, or own my own coffee/bakery shop

12. Who took your profile picture? it was taken at a wedding about a year and a half ago.
13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? sprout
14. Was yesterday better than today? so far today is better.

15. Can you live a day without TV? yes, seasons are almost all over, so it will just be repeats for several months
16. Are you upset about anything? yes, but am finding resolutions to them
17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? yes, they are worth the lessons we learn both good and bad.

18. Are you a bad influence? depends who you ask, i think the pink hair throws people off.

19. Night out or night in? a night out with a night in, i actually still agree with this answer.

20. What items could you not go without during the day? disposable diapers.
21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? pattylicious

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? good for him!
23. How do you feel about your life? currently in a bit of a funk, but life is good. i wish that some things were different, but the only person i can make do anything is me.
24. Do you hate anyone? more than i did when i orignally filled this out
25. Do you like your wedding ring or do you secretly wish it was different? love my ring, have lost enough weight that it will fit again, now to get it fixed from where it was cut off
26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? sure would.

27. Would you ever get some plastic surgery? yes, and have been thinking more about it the thinner i get 

28. What song is stuck in your head? just give me a reason, that's where the title is from. i love a song about reconcilliation
29. Brazilian wax? nope,  doesn't sound like much fun to me

30. Have you ever skinny dipped? several times and i've even chunky dunked.

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? pay bills
32.Do you think too much or too little? way too much and i have the tendency to overthink things

33. Do you smile a lot? not as much as i once did, but i'm working on it

i think it is funny how some of the answers haven't changed at all and some have changed quite a bit. it feels good to look back and see where i was, so i can look forward to see where i want to be.
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i don't know where i belong

as a sahm i sometimes feel overwhelmed by the amount of things that need to be finished daily. there is the laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning and loving on the wee ones. i usually find myself more concerned with the loving and playing than on the rest, and this results in a messy house.  we have the kids help with the house and Saturday is "cleaning day". i know as a kid our house was immaculate, and it was because my brother and i kept it that way. i don't want my kids to feel the way about housework that i do, so i tend to want to help them make it more enjoyable.  generally housework results in bad attitudes and fighting because "________ isn't helping and that's not fair".  I'm curious about how the rest of you help to build relationships between the kiddos. i have lots of friends who are extremely close to their siblings and i have to admit I'm a bit jealous. i want my kids to have those bonds because i don't. it is one of the rare instances that I'm attempting to "live through my kids". i want them to cherish family and have family to cherish. this is one of the big reasons we moved back "home". we would love large family dinners and grilling. it hasn't worked out the way we had hoped.

 sisters should love each other right? these two crack me up when they get to laughing and playing together and it gives me hope that perhaps there is a chance of friendship.

q is such a great big brother. i had put sprout's hair into pigtails and monkey got to calling her the love bug, she had a love bug on the front of her dress and the antennae looked just like the pigtails. q decided he too wanted to be a love bug, so there you have it. the princess is laughing in the background because it really was quite comical to see.

the kids love being outside and they love helping with our plants. when our first set of roses bloomed they were huge. q thought they smelled super pretty.

monkey has played all the sports this year and tennis seems to have been her favorite. she and her partner took 1st place at district in doubles.  i got myself a racket so that we can practice over the summer. i think i may get rackets and balls for the little ones as well so they can go whack around while we practice.

this past month I've really been struggling with a lot of things. questioning myself and my choices. i fall into self doubt most when my kids act like, well kids. q is so busy and rambunctious, and i find myself wondering if school will be an absolute nightmare for him. he doesn't like to sit still for long, at all, and I'm hoping that we can work on it over the summer and next year. i wonder what I've done "wrong" or not done at all. i see other little boys who are so "well behaved", or at least they appear to be. i understand that all kids are different and he's 100% boy. i think that adding more schedule will help us all out, so let the fun begin.

some days i can't even trust myself

i find myself looking and wondering why i haven't been blogging, and all i can think is I've become too busy with myself. i started weight watchers on January 21 and i have rewarded myself for weight lost.  i lost 10% of my starting weight and my reward was a new fancy haircut.  it's the first professional haircut I've had in almost 15 years, and i love it.

then my sweet hubby and i escaped to New Orleans for a few days with out kids. it was absolutely fantastic. four days of adult time was just what we needed. we got to just concentrate on us and we will be going on another trip again soon.

i decided it might be fun to have funky hair color to go along with my new weight, so i went aqua. i loved it, so different from the norm. I've really been working on my accepting myself. I'm a different kind of girl and always have been. I've tried to shove myself into the "normal" mold for so long that i almost forgot how amazing God made me.

 I've decided that i like me and i want to be me. that means funky hair and make-up. I've been really working to make myself something  every month.  this past month i made this little tank. it was a size smaller than i expected and 2 sizes smaller than in January.

i also decided that it might be fun to do pink hair for my first 5k. it was a komen fun run in April. i ran more of it than i walked, so i am proud of myself. i need to keep up the work, but it was a good cause.

i have been in a deep funk for the last month. I've been wondering what to do to get myself out of it. I've decided less fb and more blogging will be the first step. I've also decided that more thankfuls are needed in my life. here i am with my first list.

I AM THANKFUL FOR:

1.  laughter- there is so much pain in the world, so many tears are shed every day and i am so glad for the laughter.  my kids are constantly making me laugh.

2.  books- my kids are all turning out to be readers and I'm so thrilled that i have passed my love on to them.  the librarians know us and are always so excited to see my kids with the pile of books each of them carries to check out

3.  contacts- i got contacts last week for the first time and i am loving them. now all my cool/funky make-up can be seen.

4.  my hubby- he is so supportive of my and my attempt to get healthier. i am so glad that God sent him my way

5.  crafts- it feels so good to be able to make things with own hands.

6.  good food-  I'm learning with eating less that i really appreciate food. I'm learning to enjoy good for me food that also tastes good.

7.  friends- i am so blessed with such a great group of friends. they are such a great support for me when i get all funky.

8.  heels- i love the way they make me feel and look. the kids got my 4 new pair for mother's day. they were on bogo, so i got 4 instead of 2.

9.  dancing- i love to dance and my sweet hubby has been trying to take me out more often.

10. love- the love i feel for my kids, the love i have for my hubby, the love they return to me, and the love that made the world and then saved it.

i hope that everyone has a great weekend.

i go out walking after midnight

sorry i missed a week for the update on my running. last week was Christmas, so i decided i would finish dinner with the family before i went for my run. the best laid plans....i took a step off the porch to sit and watch the kiddos play and twisted my bum right ankle. there was no running for me. Thursday i did go walk, it was slower than i would prefer, but i did go. we walked about 2 miles, so not too bad. Saturday we walked 16 laps, oh yeah that's 4 miles baby. my ankle was feeling a little sore, but not too bad. then yesterday while getting ready to get little miss her present i stepped on one of her wooden puzzle pieces and twisted the same bum ankle again. ugh, now I'm wearing my ankle brace around the house and feel like a complete dolt. I'm hoping to walk tomorrow and Thursday and get back to running again on Saturday. i know better than to push my ankle more than it wants to go. hope the new year finds you happy and cheerful for the year to come.

what is love? baby don't hurt me, no more

this past week a terrible tragedy struck in a small town in Connecticut. 20 small children were taken to heaven. it struck a nerve for me because i have a little girl, princess, who is the same age as those children. I'm going to sound callous for a moment, please read til the end before you knickers get completely knotted up. how many children die every day from starvation world wide? how many die at their parents hands? how many sweet lives are stopped before they even take a breath? how many children are murdered in the war torn areas of the world? and why don't we mourn for them? where is our outrage over their little lives being snuffed out? do we as Americans feel this more because it "could have been our kid"? the hubby and i have been discussing this quite a bit since the shooting on Friday. I'm not trying to down grade what happened because it is horrific. what i wonder is...if we became outraged over all the innocents that die could we do more for the world. if we learned from what is going on all over the world could we change it? there have been a lot of misrepresentations on the news about the man responsible for this atrocious act. i have to say i am outraged about the way his mother has been depicted on the news. is she not a victim of this too? did she not lose her life too? how do we know she didn't try to stop him? do any of us really want to think our children are capable of something like this?

i have read several comments that "kids with those problems should be monitored" or "people with those kinds of disorders should be put away". really? what problems are those exactly? the news is throwing out that it was his "aspergers" that made him react that way. excuse me? I've known several kids who are on the autism spectrum and now I'm pissed that anyone would imply they need to be "monitored or locked up". do any of you know that is what Hitler did, yep i went there. he seemed to think if weren't perfect, his definition of perfection, then you didn't deserve to live. I'm sorry i can't go there. life is beautiful and the thought that a child should be locked up because there brain functions differently than yours enrages me. did the killer show sociopathic tendencies, maybe, but i once had a teacher use me as an example in front of the entire class as a sociopath. he seemed to think i was a classic case of one and he probably wasn't too far off the mark. i believe truly that each person chooses who we are. we can choose to give in to the past that wants to keep us evil, or we can find the peace that passes understanding and move forward. that's right i just put God in the mix.

i truly believe "that but by the grace of God go i." I've read the statistics of what i should be according to studies and psychology. the picture isn't pretty. a child of divorce that was raised in an abusive home that was abandoned at a critical time in her life. yeah, the odds were completely against me, but God had bigger plans. i raise my kids to know Him and i truly believe that if the world would take the focus off of "me, me, me" and "want, want, want" that we could change it. I'm often asked why we have so many kids, we only have 4, and my response is "i think that it is important to fill the world with intelligent Christians". I'm trying to put light into a very dark world. what if all parents spent a little more time hugging their kids instead of turning on the electric babysitters. what if we raised our sons to be gentlemen and our daughters to be ladies? what if we truly focused on our marriages and our families? the best way we can honor those lives lost in Connecticut is to raise our children in God's love. raise them to see the world through His eyes. raise them to be thankful for all the blessings we have.

i know that was quite a tirade, but i needed to get it out of my brain. i kept trying to type out my thankful list and it just wouldn't come. I'm feeling better for clearing my head, so if you are still with me and not wanting to string me up-then please feel free to join me for some thankfulness.

I AM THANKFUL FOR:

1. the ability to speak my mind- i am grateful that i live somewhere that i can speak freely about God and my faith. there are many who are put to death for such a thing

2. love- i am thankful for the love that God felt for me to send his son for me.

3.  my family- i am thankful that i am so blessed with the love that they give me.

4.  freedom- to live how i choose and worship how i choose

5. friendship- especially those that pray for me so regularly

6.  my hubby- tomorrow we will celebrate 14 years marriage

7.  my health- I'm getting healthier by the day and i am glad that God has given me the opportunity to do so

8.  cool weather- it is finally cool here

9.  hot tea- warms me up inside and out

10. the ability to cook- tomorrow we will buy everything needed for the tamale feast for Christmas

i am thankful that i get to share my love of Christ with all who read this

they do run run run, they do run run

i told you that i would let you know how the "retraining" was going, and...wow this is tough stuff. being as out of shape as I've let myself get and as heavy as I've let myself get is making this effort very difficult. I'm taking it one step at a time, but some of those steps are slower than i want. we did a timed mile for starters on Saturday and monkey came in at 11 minutes and 36 seconds, woohoo for her. that's right someone start the wave. she would have finished faster, but she decided to jog/walk with me for half a lap. i finished my mile in 14 minutes and 55 seconds. i did my best to jog/run the curves and only walk on the straights. i kept to the middle lane for this endeavor as well, so i got a little extra length in my jog. i only ran until i started to feel like i wash pushing too hard, i know that if i get past my "point" i will be sick for several days attempting to recoup. i am learning to read my body's signals as to how long and how much is OK for me. i am also staying positive. i shouldn't expect myself to be able to keep up/compete with people who are in a healthier state of being than i am.

that's an important part for me. i am a perfectionist and i want to be the best at everything i do. this may come with time, but it will not be a quick thing. it will take me time, energy, and the willpower to keep going. will there be days that i want to quit, oh yeah, and that's when my cheerleaders will cheer their loudest. yeah, i called in my friends to keep me going. they are an amazing group capable of great things, so I'm glad they've agreed to take up cheering me on. I've really been trying to keep positive about myself while reshaping and retraining my body and mind. i didn't get to be where i am over night, nor should i expect to get where i want to be overnight. instead of saying "I'm so fat and this is too hard", I'm shouting "i just need to retrain myself to choose better."

Sunday afternoon i did a 30 minute yoga workout that i got from walmart on DVD. it has 2 programs flow and hatha. i did the the hatha program and was amazed at how much i liked it. i felt so relaxed and limber. i have never done yoga before, so i wasn't really sure what to expect. I'm excited about doing the flow program tomorrow. I'm trying not to "over work" my body, but at the same time keep it in motion so it doesn't lock up. i decided to take yesterday as a "rest" day as recommended and woke up barely able to walk today. yeah, that's not going to work if i need to chase down little sweeties.

today i went for day 2 of "retraining" and i walked a lap before my "instructor" arrived. when she got there the real fun began. we did a 3 minute walk and then we (ran 1 minute, walked 1 minute) 10 times. wow that keep running business is tough. when i finished i was 1 tired girl, but i did it. i didn't stop, not once, which is pretty good for a pre-beginner such as me. i plan on meeting a friend for a good walk tomorrow and then Thursday back to the track for retraining. i am noticing little changes already, like junk food doesn't look as appealing as it did last Tuesday. I'm drinking LOTS of fluids. oh yeah, i weighed myself this morning and I've lost 5 pounds. i know, I'm a bit blown away. i completely expected to put on weight before it began to drop off.

again i say thanks for keeping up with me, i hope to do this every "track star Tuesday". I'm loving the motivation to be healthier.

progress report
mile 14 minutes 55 seconds
weight 225

so hold my hand, i'll walk with you my dear

 this is a two parter. first i will do a pictorial thank you list.

1. i am thankful for imaginations- the kids picked their costumes and had the best time dressing up. monkey did her costume on her own and was particularly proud of her Artemis costume.

 2. team work- monkey has decided to be in sports this year. volleyball has ended and basketball season has begun. I'm so excited to see monkey learning to be a team player

 3. family trips- we went to Louisiana with for a work trip for daddy. the kids had no use for most of it 

4.hugs- my kiddos give some of the best hugs on earth

5. kids who help- daddy was gone for over a week and the kids and i made chai and several other fun things.

6. getting older- I'm thrilled to be getting older, it is a privilege denied to many.

7. smiles- the princess has now lost 7 teeth and is about to lose another one

8. being a mom- 13 years ago i was blessed with monkey and my world hasn't been the same

9. silliness- wee sprout is an endless supply of silly in our house

10. the chance to stay home- it isn't the easiest job, but it has been the most rewarding

things here have been really busy. between games, band and school we have been going nonstop. monkey made symphonic band in all region and she loved it. on to the second part of the blog.....monkey has decided that she wants to do cross country next year and would like to start running 5ks. i am her biggest cheerleader and told her that i was super proud of her and would call our youth minister's wife, she's a runner, to see if she would help her. monkey looked at me and said "mom i would really love it if you would do them with me." ummm, I'm not a runner, never have been. she was so sincere and i said that i would. so i will be using my blog to keep you guys updated on our progress. I'm curious to see how  i will do. I'm very overweight and very out of shape, so this could be really painful for me. so for beginner stats here we go

week 1: weight 230

mile run,hahahaha, 14 min 32 sec

our youth minister's wife told me that i needed to have something to beat, so i "ran" my mile. really i walked it briskly. i told you i was out of shape and overweight.

i would love for any of you who read this to support me with words of encouragement. a sort of "holding my hand" as i start this journey