what is love? baby don't hurt me, no more

this past week a terrible tragedy struck in a small town in Connecticut. 20 small children were taken to heaven. it struck a nerve for me because i have a little girl, princess, who is the same age as those children. I'm going to sound callous for a moment, please read til the end before you knickers get completely knotted up. how many children die every day from starvation world wide? how many die at their parents hands? how many sweet lives are stopped before they even take a breath? how many children are murdered in the war torn areas of the world? and why don't we mourn for them? where is our outrage over their little lives being snuffed out? do we as Americans feel this more because it "could have been our kid"? the hubby and i have been discussing this quite a bit since the shooting on Friday. I'm not trying to down grade what happened because it is horrific. what i wonder is...if we became outraged over all the innocents that die could we do more for the world. if we learned from what is going on all over the world could we change it? there have been a lot of misrepresentations on the news about the man responsible for this atrocious act. i have to say i am outraged about the way his mother has been depicted on the news. is she not a victim of this too? did she not lose her life too? how do we know she didn't try to stop him? do any of us really want to think our children are capable of something like this?

i have read several comments that "kids with those problems should be monitored" or "people with those kinds of disorders should be put away". really? what problems are those exactly? the news is throwing out that it was his "aspergers" that made him react that way. excuse me? I've known several kids who are on the autism spectrum and now I'm pissed that anyone would imply they need to be "monitored or locked up". do any of you know that is what Hitler did, yep i went there. he seemed to think if weren't perfect, his definition of perfection, then you didn't deserve to live. I'm sorry i can't go there. life is beautiful and the thought that a child should be locked up because there brain functions differently than yours enrages me. did the killer show sociopathic tendencies, maybe, but i once had a teacher use me as an example in front of the entire class as a sociopath. he seemed to think i was a classic case of one and he probably wasn't too far off the mark. i believe truly that each person chooses who we are. we can choose to give in to the past that wants to keep us evil, or we can find the peace that passes understanding and move forward. that's right i just put God in the mix.

i truly believe "that but by the grace of God go i." I've read the statistics of what i should be according to studies and psychology. the picture isn't pretty. a child of divorce that was raised in an abusive home that was abandoned at a critical time in her life. yeah, the odds were completely against me, but God had bigger plans. i raise my kids to know Him and i truly believe that if the world would take the focus off of "me, me, me" and "want, want, want" that we could change it. I'm often asked why we have so many kids, we only have 4, and my response is "i think that it is important to fill the world with intelligent Christians". I'm trying to put light into a very dark world. what if all parents spent a little more time hugging their kids instead of turning on the electric babysitters. what if we raised our sons to be gentlemen and our daughters to be ladies? what if we truly focused on our marriages and our families? the best way we can honor those lives lost in Connecticut is to raise our children in God's love. raise them to see the world through His eyes. raise them to be thankful for all the blessings we have.

i know that was quite a tirade, but i needed to get it out of my brain. i kept trying to type out my thankful list and it just wouldn't come. I'm feeling better for clearing my head, so if you are still with me and not wanting to string me up-then please feel free to join me for some thankfulness.

I AM THANKFUL FOR:

1. the ability to speak my mind- i am grateful that i live somewhere that i can speak freely about God and my faith. there are many who are put to death for such a thing

2. love- i am thankful for the love that God felt for me to send his son for me.

3.  my family- i am thankful that i am so blessed with the love that they give me.

4.  freedom- to live how i choose and worship how i choose

5. friendship- especially those that pray for me so regularly

6.  my hubby- tomorrow we will celebrate 14 years marriage

7.  my health- I'm getting healthier by the day and i am glad that God has given me the opportunity to do so

8.  cool weather- it is finally cool here

9.  hot tea- warms me up inside and out

10. the ability to cook- tomorrow we will buy everything needed for the tamale feast for Christmas

i am thankful that i get to share my love of Christ with all who read this

they do run run run, they do run run

i told you that i would let you know how the "retraining" was going, and...wow this is tough stuff. being as out of shape as I've let myself get and as heavy as I've let myself get is making this effort very difficult. I'm taking it one step at a time, but some of those steps are slower than i want. we did a timed mile for starters on Saturday and monkey came in at 11 minutes and 36 seconds, woohoo for her. that's right someone start the wave. she would have finished faster, but she decided to jog/walk with me for half a lap. i finished my mile in 14 minutes and 55 seconds. i did my best to jog/run the curves and only walk on the straights. i kept to the middle lane for this endeavor as well, so i got a little extra length in my jog. i only ran until i started to feel like i wash pushing too hard, i know that if i get past my "point" i will be sick for several days attempting to recoup. i am learning to read my body's signals as to how long and how much is OK for me. i am also staying positive. i shouldn't expect myself to be able to keep up/compete with people who are in a healthier state of being than i am.

that's an important part for me. i am a perfectionist and i want to be the best at everything i do. this may come with time, but it will not be a quick thing. it will take me time, energy, and the willpower to keep going. will there be days that i want to quit, oh yeah, and that's when my cheerleaders will cheer their loudest. yeah, i called in my friends to keep me going. they are an amazing group capable of great things, so I'm glad they've agreed to take up cheering me on. I've really been trying to keep positive about myself while reshaping and retraining my body and mind. i didn't get to be where i am over night, nor should i expect to get where i want to be overnight. instead of saying "I'm so fat and this is too hard", I'm shouting "i just need to retrain myself to choose better."

Sunday afternoon i did a 30 minute yoga workout that i got from walmart on DVD. it has 2 programs flow and hatha. i did the the hatha program and was amazed at how much i liked it. i felt so relaxed and limber. i have never done yoga before, so i wasn't really sure what to expect. I'm excited about doing the flow program tomorrow. I'm trying not to "over work" my body, but at the same time keep it in motion so it doesn't lock up. i decided to take yesterday as a "rest" day as recommended and woke up barely able to walk today. yeah, that's not going to work if i need to chase down little sweeties.

today i went for day 2 of "retraining" and i walked a lap before my "instructor" arrived. when she got there the real fun began. we did a 3 minute walk and then we (ran 1 minute, walked 1 minute) 10 times. wow that keep running business is tough. when i finished i was 1 tired girl, but i did it. i didn't stop, not once, which is pretty good for a pre-beginner such as me. i plan on meeting a friend for a good walk tomorrow and then Thursday back to the track for retraining. i am noticing little changes already, like junk food doesn't look as appealing as it did last Tuesday. I'm drinking LOTS of fluids. oh yeah, i weighed myself this morning and I've lost 5 pounds. i know, I'm a bit blown away. i completely expected to put on weight before it began to drop off.

again i say thanks for keeping up with me, i hope to do this every "track star Tuesday". I'm loving the motivation to be healthier.

progress report
mile 14 minutes 55 seconds
weight 225

so hold my hand, i'll walk with you my dear

 this is a two parter. first i will do a pictorial thank you list.

1. i am thankful for imaginations- the kids picked their costumes and had the best time dressing up. monkey did her costume on her own and was particularly proud of her Artemis costume.

 2. team work- monkey has decided to be in sports this year. volleyball has ended and basketball season has begun. I'm so excited to see monkey learning to be a team player

 3. family trips- we went to Louisiana with for a work trip for daddy. the kids had no use for most of it 

4.hugs- my kiddos give some of the best hugs on earth

5. kids who help- daddy was gone for over a week and the kids and i made chai and several other fun things.

6. getting older- I'm thrilled to be getting older, it is a privilege denied to many.

7. smiles- the princess has now lost 7 teeth and is about to lose another one

8. being a mom- 13 years ago i was blessed with monkey and my world hasn't been the same

9. silliness- wee sprout is an endless supply of silly in our house

10. the chance to stay home- it isn't the easiest job, but it has been the most rewarding

things here have been really busy. between games, band and school we have been going nonstop. monkey made symphonic band in all region and she loved it. on to the second part of the blog.....monkey has decided that she wants to do cross country next year and would like to start running 5ks. i am her biggest cheerleader and told her that i was super proud of her and would call our youth minister's wife, she's a runner, to see if she would help her. monkey looked at me and said "mom i would really love it if you would do them with me." ummm, I'm not a runner, never have been. she was so sincere and i said that i would. so i will be using my blog to keep you guys updated on our progress. I'm curious to see how  i will do. I'm very overweight and very out of shape, so this could be really painful for me. so for beginner stats here we go

week 1: weight 230

mile run,hahahaha, 14 min 32 sec

our youth minister's wife told me that i needed to have something to beat, so i "ran" my mile. really i walked it briskly. i told you i was out of shape and overweight.

i would love for any of you who read this to support me with words of encouragement. a sort of "holding my hand" as i start this journey